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(continued from — A Life in the Balance)

Emotional Stability

+5

This score does not include depression which I believe falls more appropriately under the next in the list, “Mental Stability.

On the whole my emotional health seems to be good.  I get angry when I feel the circumstances are appropriate and express it healthily.  Sometimes I repress my anger and this at least partially accounts for the less than +20 score.  I also have extreme bouts with loneliness.  Those these are tough they are not as extreme as previously.  The loneliness however sometimes leads me into pursuing relationships with people without making a realistic assessment of the health of a relationship with that particular person.  I can also sometimes interpret a gesture of compassion as meaning something more and become angry at myself when it turns out to be not as deep as I had imagined (or desired) it to be.

Guilt may be a factor as it impacts my loss of spirituality (below).  But, this guilt comes from not seeking a closer relationship at this time and not for some overt act of sin.

There is also grief for the loss of my mother and for the loss of a spiritual purpose.

Mental Stability

+5

Depression enters the equation here as does Attention Deficit Disorder and alcohol cravings.  Alcohol cravings play a role in emotional Stability (above) in the causation attitude, but a more important aspect in Mental Stability for the effect of how it affects my reasoning abilities both before and after consumption.  To think that I might be able to tolerate alcohol is a sign of mental instability as are all other activities were I to consume any (which I have not).

Depressive attitudes account for about half of the deficit here.  To think that I must be suicidal because I am depressed and that since suicide is such a severe ideation, then the depression must be correspondingly severe, is wrong.  I grant that the suicidal ideation is at least partly culpable but not as strongly as one might think.  without going into great detail here, I will leave it at that in my honest assessment, depression plays only a minor role.

Spiritual

0

I am strongly spiritual and have been so for decades and decades.  I am no longer in communication with the Holy Spirit.  I tend to assume that this is some deficit on my part but other factors in this survey keep me from desiring a closer relationship.

As shortly as two years ago, I would have put this score in the +18 – 20 range.  The drastic fall is indicative of my real or perceived loss of a spiritual purpose left for me in this world.

Optimism

-18

I am nearly completely pessimistic about the future, both near and far.  The scores for Health and Wealth are indicative not of the pessimism.  The score is based on realistic expectations of any physically good development in the future.  My health is already so low as to be nearly bottomed out and the causes for it are incurable and progressive.  My wealth is in a similar state, with no reasonable signs for reversal or acquisition of income through work.  The only reason the score is not -20 is because there is a chance that I will win an SSS disability case that would immediately reverse my state of wealth.  There is absolutely no guarantee of this and I put no expectations of success on it whatsoever.

Hope

+10

My hope is a spiritual hope of a happy afterlife.  It is for nothing in the way of spiritual gains in this existence.  This score would be slightly higher if I had total assurance that taking my own life would not bar me from an afterlife in paradise.  It still would be less than +20 though due to the utter lack of hope for further spiritual fulfillment before death.

Summary/Conclusion

A review of the scores shows 5 positive, 3 negative, and 1 neutral.  This would seem, prima facie, to indicate a positive conclusion until weights are applied to the individual scores.  “Health” for example is both objective and nearly the sole indicator of quality of life especially when it reaches such a deteriorated state.  When it is factored in with the irreversible nature of the illnesses the outcome becomes bleaker yet.

The one ray of hope is in the score of Wealth, which is the only absolute score in the group.  The small chance for the reversal of this score is mentioned in “Optimism.”  It would not change things appreciably for “Health,” but the impact on other scores could very well enough appreciably alter the negative conclusions of this report.  Once again though, the low optimism at this current writing  precludes pinning expectations for success.

My conclusion is that a life thus examined is not worth living.  Once again, this is a subjective assessment and is meant in no way to be a judgment on what others should or should not do in similar situations.  If such a life is not worth living and the one distant optimistic reason to continue is not expected, than positive steps should be taken to relieve the sufferings of the present and the even greater sufferings of the future that proceeds from such an existence.

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